A Dog’s Resolutions
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom. I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet. I will learn the sound of OUR doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it. The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll my head around in other animals’ poop. I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
Dog Rules The dog is not allowed in the house. OK, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture. The dog can get on the old furniture only.Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. OK, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only. The dog can sleep under the covers every night. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.  Ten Commandments for a Responsible Dog Owner
My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be very painful. Give me time to understand what you want of me. Place your trust in me - it is crucial for my well-being. Don’t be angry with me for long, and don’t lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment. I HAVE ONLY YOU. Talk to me, Even if I don’t understand your words, I understand your voice when it’s speaking to me. Be aware that however you treat me, I’ll NEVER forget it. Before you hit me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I’m not getting the right food, I’ve been out in the sun too long, or my heart may be getting old and weak. Take care of me when I get old. You, too, will grow old. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, “I can’t bear to watch it” or, “Let it happen in my absence.” Everything is easier for me if you are there. Remember, I love you.
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A Dog's Dictonary & GuideLeash: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your owner where you want him or her to go. Make sure that you are waiting patiently with leash in mouth when your owner comes home from work. This immediatly makes your owner feel guilty and the walk is lengthened by a good 10 minutes. Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as a white bedspread, newly upholstered couch or the dry cleaning that was just picked up. Drool: What you do when your owners have food and you don't.To do this properly, sit as close as you can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet on their laps. Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs or those people that sometimes smell like dogs. Garbage Can: A container your neighbors put out weekly to test your ingenuity.Stand on your hind legs and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with food wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, moldy crusts of bread and sometimes even an old Nike. Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The rider swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. Thunder: A signal the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels. Wastebasket: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house. This is particularly fun to do when there are guests for dinner and you prance around with the contents of that very special bathroom wastepaper basket! Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. If there are people sitting on the couch just include them as a handy wipe. Bath: A process owners use to clean you, drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit," especially if your owner is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. Love: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction, shared by you and your owner. Show it by wagging your tail
How much do I love thee? How much do I love thee? Let me count the ways: Will I love you when you puddle for nineteen continuous days on that Gorgeous Indian blanket that my friends have all admired? Will I love you when I find you on my pillow when you‛re tired? Will I love your muddy paw prints when you chase a butterfly From the garden through the kitchen when the floor wax isn‛t dry? Will I love you when you‛re shedding and all day I vacuum hair? When in digging you demolish ten begonias raised with care? Will I love you just past midnight when I let you out and then I let you in...then let you out.... then let you in again? Will I love you when you‛re lunching on a twenty dollar shoe? (True you didn‛t touch the other, but I sorta needed two). Will I love you as I pay the vet for binding that nasty little gash You got while decorating the lawn with all our trash? Will I love you when you‛re sandy, dripping water from the beach As I chase you ‘cross the carpet and you stay just out of reach? At these times let me remember how cute you look today And sigh and tell myself - I love you anyway. |
Cat Vs Dog
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